An open letter to ingenues

Dear up & comer seeking guidance.

I just watched a contemporary of yours, a Miss Scout Taylor-Compton, in Halloween II.

I watched her cry ugly when she should've cried pretty. Did she think I really needed to see her damn uvula everytime she screamed 'cause she thought she'd die?

Listen, I get that the Michael Myers man killed your family and shit but does that mean you should really forgoe some eyeliner and blush? And sweetness, that hair...it looked like you were on your way to get your roots done but got sidetracked by a rape while on safari. We get it- You HAVE angst. Not brushing your hair and allowing faux dreads to form didn't work as a character choice.

And Don't you DARE tell me acting is about listening. That might be partially true until you're famous enough that they can digitally alter each frame to make you pretty. But until then -FOR YOU, Scout- acting is about knowing your chin looks like Mount Rushmore when you're lit poorly. Blowing the lighting tech may not be such a bad thing on your next film.

Acting is also about talking louder than your co-stars and slow turns so they can't cut mid-take.

I hope this helps anyone who wanted advice.

YOU'RE WELCOME!
Willam

My First Sex Tape

My friend Rebecca Metz worked with Rebecca Gayheart on Nip/Tuck and basically said she was a cool chick who never pulled the diva card like Miss Kimber did on the show. Maybe that cool demeanor was from methadone or some other downer because she's since been photographed with a crack pipe and other drug paraphenilia.

She and her hubby, Eric Dane from Grey's Anatomy, made a weird chat tape with a discarded Hollywood girl named Carrie Anne. Her last name is really complicated and not worth looking up again (much like her). The footage can be seen here & there's some preview tape which'll also help you get prepared to watch my full uncut version below

Rebecca Gaylung, Dane Erickson, and Carrie Anne Naked Uncut Nude Video Parody - watch more funny videos

Here's my thing. If you're going to make a sex tape, you should at least all be on the same drugs. It's obviously Gayheart's on downers, McSteamy's coked up and Carrie Anne is just an all around put-whatevers-left-in-me type of gal. I mean she did date Aaron Carter

My favorite part is most of it was verbatim. I didn't have to even stretch my imagination muscle with Calpernia, my cohort. It was nice to be able to drink on a shoot and not worry about looking worse than the people we were spoofing, too

What that Annie bitch is always yelling about

Will gogo boys ever learn to spell what comes after today?

I just got a text and it got on my nerves. I can understand an abbreviation like tmrw or whatev. But Tomorrow NEVER has an E, employs only one M and should never be spelled with a 2. I don't expect phD level learning here but a simple 2nd grade or above comprehension is always nice considering the lengths I go to to remain professional. I always try to look gogo meat in the eye while scolding them for not calling me back for shifts; even when naked with a pump apparatus strapped to them...and his name is Dick (not one part of that sentence is made up).

WANT MORE? Another gripe. Promoters who want guys to strip while wearing party hats...on their junk. Just because it's your birthday, doesn't mean a grown man should put his genitals in a cardboard Party City hat with a flimsy rubberband. Yes. You were born that day. Congratulations. It's called a birthday. Everyone's got one. In fact, it's not just your day. You share it because of the limit that the number 365 can stretch to.

I hope that was helpful. You're welcome.

Who Wore it Better: Headband

Four weeks ago when filming Ticked Off Trannies With Knives, I decided to go for a Michelle Pfieffer-as-Catwoman meets Bret Michaels look. It was for the big climactic finale of the movie and I wanted a devil may care look with a touch of trantastic class.

Just THIS week, Victoria Beckham sat in on judging for American Idol.


Well here's my judgement you implanted bobblehead.

Get back on your side on the pond, Bitch. Everyone knows you were to the Spice Girls what Danny the monkey-looking dude was to N.K.O.T.B. Stop janking my look, soccer wife.

The reason why club workers aren't home RIGHT after work

So many people who work in clubs have partners who wonder why they aren't home right after the clubs close.

Wonder they shant no more. Things happen. Fuck "things" actually. SHIT happens. Shit goes down.

Here's how my wednesday went.

Went to club with a hot gogo boy serving shots

...in a hot tub. God Bless my brilliant boss for providing this type of social lubrication. NO DIVING! Zeus the stripper is not certified for respiratory rescue.

So what do you think happens @ 2:15am when everyone who works at the club wants to go home & there's a mini pool on the patio? Some asshole worker decides to flip the tub and it's water all over the sidewalk. Great night to wear Converse Chuck Taylors.

To illustrate the real stupidity of it, meet some of the other club denizens hanging out that night.

Right to left: stripper Kris, a Ugandan queen who kept yelling about "where the ahftaaah-paaahty at" & a man on a Segway. Now correct me if I'm wrong but could the Segway dude be electricuted? I know my blender got fucked after it overflowed but maybe technology has advanced.

Now after this, things got crazy. Remember this photo shoot?

Well this ornery homeless lady walked by demanding a light. She then hugged my boss because he "smelled like detergent." At this point, I told her I'd make her a sandwich out of Bounce sheets if she'd leave us alone. The phrase Homeless Outreach
Program is kinda spot-on. I want the homeless out of reach. They can smell at times and b.o. is a buzz kill.

Now it's about 2:30ish and the sidewalk sale is over. The sidewalk sale (for my straight readers) is when the overlooked few make one last go at finding a trick for the night. This kid (the one on his knees) saunters up also wanting a light. Unlike Homeless Hagatha, he ain't going away. Takes his shirt on & off a few times before my friend opens his car door to light him up with his car lighter. At that point, my boss and I attempt to convince him into taking his pants off...across from the West Hollywood sheriffs station by the way. He is THAT high that he probably thought it would be cool.

So he does.

Funny thing- you'd think someone so chemically altered putting a cigarette by his genitals it would lead to another story. But nope. Karmically, he didn't burn himself. Only the ringleader of the group goading him into getting naked while we snapped pics.

We realized when it was getting close to 3am that this kid was outta control.

He hugged my boss below and I think you can tell by his reaction that first impressions can be lasting ones.


So memo to all you drug addicts wandering the street- Just because you do crack, doesn't mean you should smell like CRACK. Get some Axe body spray. Hell, if you hate how it smells after you use it, you can always huff it right?

Goodnight.