Blowjobs and Bungalows
I had an interview with a guy to be his roommate. I accidentally performed fellatio on him instead of asking about the utilities and on-site parking. Turns out, he tells me my credit didn't check out the way he wanted it to...So my second apartment seeking adventure led me to this writer's pad on Orange Dr just above Wilshire Blvd. It was so perfect. Clean, spacious, separate entrance for tricks. He breaks out some wine. Who am I to say NO? So i mix some sweet n' lo I find in my bag into the hooch (not recommended by the way). i proceed to get sloshed being this the first time I've had real actual wine. He tells me about his back hurting and asks if I like massages. I tell him I hate people touching my back (which i do indeed hate). He asks me to rub his back. I don't want to be an ass so I say yes. Back rubbing leads to me with a mouthful...again.
In the middle of my ,uhm...application review? yea. that's what we'll call it....anyway...in the middle of the interview, we hear a crash and then a yelp. Like a really loud yelping is coming from the front yard. So we throw on clothes and go outside and find this cute greyhound on the lawn crying. Apparently, his upstairs neighbor that he rents to left her dog on the porch and he jumped down for some reason. He doesn't know what to do. The dog won't let us touch him. I think quick like a faggot MacGyver. I go in his fridge, grab some hot dogs, crush them up with some vicodin (also found in my bag) and feed them to the dog. The dog settles down and let's us pick him up to take him inside to call a vet.
I basically save the fuckin day right?
The next day, I get a phone call from the guy telling me that I almost killed the dog (which i didn't. he was like totally licking my hand all the way to the animal hospital) and I won't be able to move in with him. I asked why not and he says he doesn't think we were compatible on account of the pills and me being like 20 years younger than him and maturity levels and all. I said OK. Hung up politely. Next night, I spray paint HERPE-ULES on his lawn with pink spray paint. Announcing to his neighbors that he had an STD that he didn't actually have felt really immature and so unlike something I would do. That's how I know that he was totally wrong. I was mature.
He had zits on his back anyway.
But yea. anyway. Happy Birthday to my dog, Lloyd.